I won't break your heart but I might stunt your growth and limit your income potential
They let me drive the spaceship in between butt probings
A brain is a terrible thing to compare to an egg
All generalizations are false
All I want is an unfair advantage
Anyone can quit smoking, but it takes a man to face cancer
As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools
Ask me about my vow of silence
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR (see driver for details)
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
WISCONSIN - Come smell our dairy air!
Custer had it coming!
D.A.R.E - Drugs are really expensive
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie' until you can find a rock
Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe
Feed Jane Fonda to the whales
G* F*CK Y**RS*LF - would you like to buy a vowel?
Guess where my other hand is!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Horn broken - watch for finger
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
I'm not a brat!!! Am not, am not, am not!
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
It's as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.
Kiss her where it smells - take her to Jersey!
Life's too short to live in Jersey!
My honor student will be your kid's criminal attorney some day.
Orgams donor on-board!
Synonym - a word you use when you can't spell the other
Team effort is many people doing exactly what I say
The more you complain the longer God makes you live
To all you virgins - Thanks for nothing!
We don't care how you do it in New York!
I support artistic freedom but I draw the line at air guitar
I love my rotten ungrateful children
My teecher were a democrat
The Audacity of Bullshit
It's called PMS only because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
No more crabby pills for you Ms. Snippy Pants
Men are like floor tiles; lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years.
You go girl! And take them tacky shoes with you.
Careful now...we don't want to learn from this.
Coffee isn't helping...Get the jumper cables!
Milk Sucks! Got Margarita?
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store - not a government agency
I'd rather be a conservative nut job than a liberal with no nuts and no job
Pave the Whales!
Never play leap-frog with a unicorn
And whose cruel idea was it to have an 'S' in lisp?
It takes a Viking to raze a village
Cheney/Satan '08
If I had known there would be this much trouble I would have picked the damned cotton myself
Ax me about ebonics
Life's a Hillary and then you die
Hillary: Will cry for votes
Plant more trees and elect fewer Bushes!
Rooting against your country isn't a family value either
The Democrat Pary: Liking black folks since approximately 1964!
The Democrat Party: Seeking an easy life at someone else's expense for 150 years!
LOST: Villiage idiot, if found please contact Hope, Arkansas authorities
A penny saved is a government oversight
France-Germany-Spain: The Axis of Weasel.
Political correctness is always having to saying you're sorry
Kick their ass and take their gas!
Free Tibet! With purchase of two medium sized pizzas.
If we stop voting will they go away?
Somewhere in Texas there's a villiage missing it's idiot
Would someone please give Bush a blowjob so we can impeach him
In 1492 Native Americans discovered Columbus lost at sea
My country invaded Iraq and all I got was this expensive gas
Gun control means using both hands
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than ride with Ted Kennedy
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun
Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
I'm already against the next war too!
I was a White House intern and all I got was this stained T-shirt!
Oh well...I wasn't using my civil liberties anyhow
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals
George Bush eats kittens
Bush lied - kids died…but it’s not like he’s gay or anything
Pay your taxes – 12 million illegal immigrants are depending on you.
Last one out of Mexico please turn out the lights.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children
If you can read this thank a teacher. If you can read this in English thank a vet.
Politicians, like diapers, should be changed often - And for the same reason
Teresa Heinz-Kerry - Insulting Americans in 7 different languages
Teresa Heinz-Kerry shaves her pussy every morning - then she sends him directly to work
John Kerry - Just like Clinton but without the burning sensation
Visit The Clinton Library (18 and over only)
When Bill Clinton ask for a cold one does he mean beer or Hillary?
The Clinton years: Sex between the Bushes!
If illegals do the jobs Americans won't do perhaps they will work on immigration reform
Will be president for sex
I visited the White House and all I got was this funny tasting cigar (Note: Referencing the Clinton years and his 'creative' places to insert his cigars)
There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap
Be nice to America or we will bring democracy to your country
The last time anyone listened to a Bush people ended up roaming the desert 40 years!
The Democrat Party: From a chicken in every pot to a pot smoking chicken!
Those who say it cannot be done shouldn't interrupt those who are actually doing it
Global warming is caused by (gasp!) THE SUN
Those that can do! Those that can’t vote democrat.
While we're at it can we stop global whining too?
Kerry/Edwards 2004 - When you're this full of shit you need two Johns!
I actually voted for Kerry (after I voted against him)
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
I brake for...OH SHIT...NO BREAKS!
I brake for no apparent reason
Warning: I have ADHD and can someti...hey look, a butterfly!
I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse
Drugs lead nowhere, but it's the scenic route
I'm not an alcoholic I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings
I'm schizophrenic and so am I
Dont make me use UPPERCASE!
The computer revolution is over - The computers won!
Housework is for people who don't have internet access.
Lord, help me be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm modest and proud of it
A body at rest will remain at rest...unless said body has a dog.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
If you don't like the way I am driving then have someone remove these damned handcuffs!
Next mood swing in 5 minutes: Keep a safe distance
Follow you're dreams. Except the one where you are at school and naked.
Hell was full so I came back
Don't be a sexist. Broads hate that!
Plants are people too!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but most days I just let her sleep.
Fish tremble at the sound of my name
Non-conformists are all alike.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will just make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac
My karma ran over your dogma
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist!
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
A day without sunshine is like - well - night!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
100% unhypenated American!
24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
99.9% of the lawyers give the others a bad name!
Those who say they don't like cats simply have not had them prepared properly.
Democrats are like sperm - only 1 in 1,000,000 are actually useful.
The road to hell is paved with republicans.
Proud parent of Inmate of the Month
4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions
Don’t make me release the flying monkeys!
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup
Isn’t it strange? Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Your body would look good in my trunk
What part of Floccinaucinihilipilification do you not understand?
Gas, grass or ass! No one rides for free.
Wife and Dog went missing. Reward for the dog!
I child proofed my house but they still get in
The quickest way to a man's heart is actually with a butcher knife
Are you having phone sex or do you always drive that way?
Well, since you asked, I believe Jesus would slap the SHIT out of you!
Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time
Do those who were born again have two bellybuttons?
Jesus is Coming – Everyone look busy!
Jesus loves you – Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!
God created evolution
Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?
Eve was framed!
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh
Unsaved trash onboard
Sin. Repent. Repeat.
Worry! God knows all about you.
I'm an agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog
DAM - dyslexic mothers against drunk driving
What'd I miss? I was out smoking crack with Satan.
Which day did God make all the fossils?
What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar
Come to the dark side – We have cookies
Yes, I am an agent of evil but my duties are largely ceremonial
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian
Jesus! Still legal in most Southern states!
Don't worry...I checked my head and it was clearly marked '999'
Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper?
Kids are like farts; you can only tolerate your own
Stupid kills! But not enough to really help.
Idiots of the world...IGNITE!
I don’t know what your problem is but I am sure it’s hard to spell
Curiosity was framed...it was stupidity that killed the cat!
Your village has just put out an all points bulletin on you!
War sucks! But freedom is worth it.
I like my men how I like my coffee: Ground up and in the freezer
There is too much blood in my Caffeine System!
Saturday has a morning?
Where the hell is Easy Street?
What happened to Preparations A through G?
Without geometry, life is pointless
Bigamy: One wife to many. Monogamy: See Bigamy
Unattended children will be given an expresso and a free puppy to take home
Mt. Saint Helens blows
Speed Kills: Drive a Prius and live forever!
If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble
I got this car for my wife...what a great trade!
If this car is being driven responsibly it has been stolen
New Jersey...the ejucashun state
Imports are like tampons. Every pussy has one.
A vegetarian is someone too insensitive to hear a carrot scream!
Choose Life: Don't fuck with this truck!
Dyslexics are teople poo.
If a woman wants to learn to drive DONT STAND IN HER WAY!
Judges rule!
Heavily medicated for your safety
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My drinking team has a bowling problem
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability
If you can read this, you're not Brittany Spears
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
I’ve been told I have the face of a hand model
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
Red meat isn’t bad for you - furry green meat is
No my windows aren’t dirty, that’s my dog’s nose art
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy ever minute of it
I’m not a hillbilly - I’m an Appalachian-American
Honk if Pluto is a planet!
I miss Pluto!
I’m only speeding because I have to poop
Honk if you like peace and tranquility
(written upside down) If you can read this check my vitals
We have enough youth…how about a Fountain of Smart
Very funny Scotty! Now beam down my damned clothes!
Ban Rap Music – It encourages rudeness to bitches and ho’s.
Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Lead me not into temptation – I know the way just fine
Change is good – You go first
End homelessness and hunger – Eat the homeless!
Aim for the stars – but first aim for their bodyguards
Dyslexics – UNTIE!
Forgive and forget – but keep a list of names
Rock is Dead – Long Live Paper and Scissors!
There’s no ‘i” in “Team” – But there’s 4 in “platitude quoting idiot”
The police never think it is as funny as you do
Opportunity only knocks once – but Temptation leans on the damned door bell
Deja Mu – The feelingI’ve heard this bull before
Vuja De – The feeling you’re doing it wrong all over again
Chocolate fixes everything
I want it all and I want it covered in chocolate
Children are our future – Unless we stop them now
Stereotypes make things much easier
If it can’t be fit on a bumper sticker it’s not a philosophy
Strangers’ candy is always sweeter
Don’t you think hard work must have killed at least someone?
Tell me, where is this bright side you speak of?
Shouldn’t it be spelled FONETIC?
Class of 1491 motto – The World is flat!
You’re just jealous because the voices only speak to me
Even if the voices aren’t real, they do have some good ideas
Inside me is a thin woman crying to get out – I can usually shut the bitch up with chocolate though
I’ve told you a trillion times to stop exaggerating!
TV is gooder than books
Reparation for Roman Slaves!
You! – Off My Planet!
Everyone is entitled to my opinion
Worship me and we’ll get along just fine
My cult-like following is now accepting applications
I laugh at your species!
Some days it’s just not worth gnawing through the straps
Monday is a rotten way to spend 1/7 of your life!
Well today was a total waste of makeup
National Sarcasm Society – Like We Need Your Support
Don’t Hit Kids! No seriously, they have guns now
Don’t use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice
Never settle with words what you can settle with a flame thrower
Never go to bed angry – Stay up and plot your revenge
If all else fails then stop using all else
I’ll probably depart this world the way I arrived – screaming and covered in someone else’s blood
I’ll start exercising as soon as I get in shape
If cats could talk they wouldn’t
If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip someone else will
So many cats - so few recipes.
Stop animal experimentation – Use Lawyers!
I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain just to eat carrots!
The sooner all the animals are extinct the sooner we can find their money
Save an animal – eat a vegetarian
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement I would be unstoppable
I’m glad I’m not judgmental like all you smug, superficial idiots
I’m the quiet neighbor with the big freezer
Sorry for driving so close in front of you
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
They’re not hot flashes – they’re power surges
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information send me $10.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
Well…I see the fuck-up fairy has paid us a little visit!
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either!
Avoid alliterations always.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you again for weeks.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
Visualize whirled peas!
Save the trees, wipe your butt with a spotted owl.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Let's skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking!
I don't have a beer gut; I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Don't treat me any differently than you would royalty.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Rehab is for quitters.
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun!
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
I'm not intense just terribly, terribly alert.
South Korea's got Seoul!
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
The gene pool is in some serious need of a little chlorine!
My guess is you came from the shallow end of the gene pool
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you do eat better.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Ban censorship!
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
If a man says something in the woods and his wife is not around to hear it - is he still wrong?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!
So your kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
